Final Post

This class has been really good in ways I can’t always articulate. I always thought I had a steady grip on who I am as a person, but I never liked writing about myself. My thoughts and opinions? Totally. A memorable or humorous experience I’ve had? Sure. But I’ve never enjoyed writing about me; my personal life or my general emotions. And I’m starting to think that the reason why is that I don’t truly know what I’m feeling, or if I do, I don’t like it and want to brush it off.

The way this class has sort of forced introspection has made me feel both better and worse; I’m better at confronting problems-or at least, confronting how I feel about them- but I’ve also noticed the amount of time I spend justifying myself. How long I spend on arguments that will never actually happen, but continue in my head long after the moment’s passed.

The Artist’s Way book has helped me a surprising amount with this. I think I’m going to recycle it, because I never had the time to read through and complete the whole thing, and I should to get the broader experience. The ones I did do though, really made me consider things about myself that I maybe didn’t dwell on enough, and when we brought up similar topics in class, the human reactions we got when discussing them really stuck with me. I learned to address things I otherwise wouldn’t have thought much of.

The class has also awakened me to how much trouble I have letting go of my thoughts. My mind is constantly wandering and most of the time I don’t know how to stop it. That was what hindered me constantly when we did contact improv or meditated. I would try to focus, nd of focusing too much on focusing and before I knew it I would be chasing the rabbit through wonderland before suddenly realizing what I was doing and reminded myself to focus. Round and round it would go.

I guess I also have trouble listening to my instincts. Or even recognizing they’re there, really. I overthink, often I underestimate, and generally just get lost in my own head only to snap back and realize I missed something.

I’m also more acutely aware of my sense of motivation; namely, that I’m externally motivated. I’ve always prided myself on getting things done, getting things done on time, and getting them done right, even if I don’t want to do it. When one or none of those things don’t happen, I tend to beat myself up about it. Simultaneously, I often have to drag myself away from my room to get work done, usually a few days before it’s due. If I don’t have a deadline at all, it might take forever to get the final product. I realize that I need to be held accountable by other people in order to maintain discipline. This results in all kinds of struggles- procrastination, overcommitment, stress. One of the greatest things this class has done for me is a) motivate me and b) allow me to step back.

I’ve always had a problem with going “this doesn’t matter right now” or “I need some time away” and the artist dates have really been good to me in this regard. I confess I don’t always like them, but usually the ones I dislike, the ones where I’m swamped and feel like I’m wasting time, are the ones I need most. Having mandatory free time has allowed me to get away from work when I probably wouldn’t have, and in a non traditional way. Usually when I’m resting or procrastinating I just sort of sit in my bed with my phone or my earbuds or a book or some combination of those, but the artist dates got me looking for other things to do, and the variety was much appreciated.

In a similar vein, my diet and exercise has improved because of this class. In all honesty, neither were good before I got to college. I always knew, intellectually, that those things were important but I never concerned myself with them. I was no athlete. I hated exercise and I dropped gym the moment I was allowed to. When it came to food, I’ve always had a problem with texture that confined me to much of the same things. This class has made me rethink both. I’m trying new things, eating more protein and more vegetables, and I’m working out more. The other day my dad’s girlfriend commented that I looked a little more toned than I did, and I knew immediately why that was. Of course, these I things I still have to work on, but I learned that I don’t actually hate them.

The only problem lies in the greatest strength: I did these things because I felt obligated to, and now I have to maintain these behaviors going forward. I’ve established a workout routine with some friends (Which has admittedly fallen wayside in the wake of finals and xpress fest) that we’re going to talk about reviving in the fall, and I think I can trust Genesis to lecture me about protein, but remembering to take artist dates is going to be on me. This class has started a sort of ongoing journey on discipline.

After brief look at my goals from the beginning of the semester, I’m proud to say I met a good amount of them. Particularly in fitness. I didn’t always meet 10,000 steps but more often than not I came close, and I became very familiar with the little rocket animation that accompanied meeting the step goal. I did start weightlifting and I did establish a routine and a regular presence at the fitness center. I also did consume more protein. I did consistently eat fruit. I did look at Nutritional Facts. I did go to chapel more and I was more affirmative for myself. But there were some that I didn’t meet and a good amount that I just straight up forgot about, like eating salad and drinking milk and doing 50 push ups.

One of the ones I didn’t met was “getting back in contact with people who have drifted away” a goal which in itself drifted away from me, but I did establish firmer roots here. I was a little bit more involved and I think I’ve really improved my relations with the people in this department. Earlier in the year I didn’t know where I fit in the ensemble, I used to quietly dread sitting at the dram table because I didn’t really know anyone, but now I feel so much more interconnected. If nothing else, I’ve learned I have friends everywhere.

There was no one aspect of this class that worked for me more than any other, and that’s great, because everything we did was helpful somehow. I had Personal Well Being directly after this class, so I had book reading in conjunction with the things we learned in Actor’s Instrument, and honestly, everything has so much more weight when you have to actually apply it. I think in order to get the full benefit of this class you have to let yourself be vulnerable and recognize when you’re being selfish, as well as realizing that sometimes that’s okay, and sometimes it isn’t, and how to balance that.

This class wasn’t always fun -looking at you contact improv + monologue- but it was almost always necessary in some aspect. To me, this is practically a required course, and as a freshman, I feel like I learned a lot- about myself, about my wellbeing, and about other people- that will really help me going forward.