On Holding People at Arms Length
We all have people who are toxic in our lives. They may not necessarily be toxic all the time, they might just be toxic to us. They might not be so intentionally. They might be people you love. But we all have people who just... bring us down. And we, as people and as adults, have to respond to that. Because, in some immortal words that I'll carry around forever: "No one gets to do that to you."
The problem is getting people who are toxic or draining out of lives. My problem in specific, which I'm sure several other people share, is what happens when you don't want these people out of your lives. It's knowing it's okay to hold them at arm's length. It's figuring out how long arm's length is. It's maintaining that distance.
There are two people in my head that keep showing up when I think about this, and it bothers me because I don't think of those relationships as toxic. In fact most of the time they're very loving and healthy, but the dark squirmy feeling in my stomach is clearly present, at least sometimes, otherwise they wouldn't keep popping up now would they?
I know why those feelings happen though, and what they are. They're different, and the perpetrators will both remain nameless (for convenience sake, I will refer to them as No. 1 and No. 2).
No. 1 is passive aggressive, undoubtedly, if infrequently. It's apparent whenever we disagree. She phrases it as "not listening" whenever I decline her advice or don't do as she says. She thinks I'm naive. She thinks she knows best even when she clearly doesn't. She's overprotective. She's constantly worried. I know the reason for these actions, which is why I put up with them, but it's not my place to talk about. Nor is it the point.
No.2 is more exhausting. She's childish. She's whiny. She's self-centered. She's hypocritical. She's perpetually unsatisfied. She lacks common sense and good decision making qualities. She avoids conflict even when it may be necessary like arguments or even just letting people vent. Again, I understand the reasons and am not going to discuss them. But like the above, that doesn't make it okay.
Both of these people are people I love, who love me. But while there's an abundance of care, there's often a lack of respect that is just draining and leaves a pit in my stomach.
Setting the Distance
No.2 is relatively easy to keep at arm's length because I only see her periodically. The problem is, she might not remain that way forever. She is disabled, and it is likely that, somewhere in the future, the responsibility of making sure she is alright will fall to me. It's a long time coming though, so I will cross that bridge when I come to it. She is at a good distance right now.
No.1 is harder because she is such a pivotal part of my life. She's 90% of my support system, and I'm unendingly thankful for her. But she's omnipresent and I need her at arm's length. Even if it's just visiting less, decreasing my dependency on her, hanging out with friends instead, whatever.
Again, I love them. But I also love myself. And they don't get to make me feel that way.
The problem is getting people who are toxic or draining out of lives. My problem in specific, which I'm sure several other people share, is what happens when you don't want these people out of your lives. It's knowing it's okay to hold them at arm's length. It's figuring out how long arm's length is. It's maintaining that distance.
There are two people in my head that keep showing up when I think about this, and it bothers me because I don't think of those relationships as toxic. In fact most of the time they're very loving and healthy, but the dark squirmy feeling in my stomach is clearly present, at least sometimes, otherwise they wouldn't keep popping up now would they?
I know why those feelings happen though, and what they are. They're different, and the perpetrators will both remain nameless (for convenience sake, I will refer to them as No. 1 and No. 2).
No. 1 is passive aggressive, undoubtedly, if infrequently. It's apparent whenever we disagree. She phrases it as "not listening" whenever I decline her advice or don't do as she says. She thinks I'm naive. She thinks she knows best even when she clearly doesn't. She's overprotective. She's constantly worried. I know the reason for these actions, which is why I put up with them, but it's not my place to talk about. Nor is it the point.
No.2 is more exhausting. She's childish. She's whiny. She's self-centered. She's hypocritical. She's perpetually unsatisfied. She lacks common sense and good decision making qualities. She avoids conflict even when it may be necessary like arguments or even just letting people vent. Again, I understand the reasons and am not going to discuss them. But like the above, that doesn't make it okay.
Both of these people are people I love, who love me. But while there's an abundance of care, there's often a lack of respect that is just draining and leaves a pit in my stomach.
Setting the Distance
No.2 is relatively easy to keep at arm's length because I only see her periodically. The problem is, she might not remain that way forever. She is disabled, and it is likely that, somewhere in the future, the responsibility of making sure she is alright will fall to me. It's a long time coming though, so I will cross that bridge when I come to it. She is at a good distance right now.
No.1 is harder because she is such a pivotal part of my life. She's 90% of my support system, and I'm unendingly thankful for her. But she's omnipresent and I need her at arm's length. Even if it's just visiting less, decreasing my dependency on her, hanging out with friends instead, whatever.
Again, I love them. But I also love myself. And they don't get to make me feel that way.
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